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“The Gouge” for LGBT Midshipmen

There is a lot on this page . .

. . . more than any other page here at USNAOut.org. There is a reason. The purpose of this page is not to scare or frighten you, but to make you more comfortable in your shoes as Gay or Lesbian Midshipmen. We also want to ensure that you don't do anything foolish that can jeopardize your status as a Midshipman and future leader as an officer in the U.S. Navy or Marine Corps.

No matter if you are straight or gay, what you read here should be somewhat enlightening. And if you read and understand what's here, you might learn some things to help you become a more informed officer and hopefully give you more confidence in being yourself.

Here are the topics that we talk about:

It Isn't Easy Being You

If you already identify as or are just beginning to think you might identify as a Gay or Lesbian Midshipman, you are by no means alone there in Bancroft Hall, although it might certainly seem to be so if you haven't already linked in with some of the others like you. Many of us have been in your shoes. We know that for many of you, it isn't a fun experience to figure out that you aren't who you thought you were, particularly if you have to work though the process alone on your own while "in the fishbowl" at the Academy. And if you are just now coming to terms with yourself, we know that it can affect your state of mind and hence your performance. On the positive side, times have changed, particularly societal values, since some of us were where you are today, and we expect more positive changes in the future as Congress gets caught up with the realities of society's values.

You all need to know that USNA Out members take a great deal of personal pride in doing what we can to support the Brigade of Midshipmen, just as most all alumni do. But we really take an intense pride and interest in you as Lesbian and Gay Midshipmen. We want you all to do well, your very best. You are all potentially positioned in this time of history to be the role models that most of us never had.

Know the Rules . . .

As active duty service members, you really need to know the rules as to what is and is NOT allowed under “Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell.” Our feedback is that the rules are not being taught, but you still must abide by them.

An investigation cannot be started unless there is credible evidence from a “credible” person.   A “rumor” is not enough, unless that “rumor” was started by one of your actions, in which case it is not a rumor, but a fact.

The key “actions” which are credible that you can get you in trouble are:

  • Telling someone that you are gay - this includes civilians, whether or not they are government employees. It also includes telling your friends back home. It technically also includes telling your parents or your brothers or sisters, provided they are “credible” persons, but we'll talk about parents later.
  • “Homosexual Conduct” -- which means:
    • Having sex with someone of the same gender.
    • Doing something leading up to sex such as:
      • kissing
      • holding hands
      • sexually suggestive touching or
      • sexually suggestive dancing on the dance floor

    Getting caught is pretty much irrefutable evidence, whether or not you had an expectation of privacy, in Bancroft Hall, at a shopping mall in Virginia or miles away walking on the beach in San Diego. If you are seen by a “credible” person, you have been caught. Be smart, understand the probabilities of the risks as they relate to the reward.

    Whether or not someone would ever pursue an investigation is more a matter of who knows something more than what they know. The “who” part of this is the luck of the draw, and depends a lot on others' personal beliefs or their motives. You can't easily control what others believe, so best not give them the opportunity to begin to think.

    We at USNA Out certainly cannot be handing out legal advice, but there are some basics that you need to know and know how to be prepared so you are not caught off guard. You can never be asked of you are gay or a lesbian, even during an investigation. You can only be asked about your conduct. Although it can be very intimidating as a plebe or youngster being asked direct questions by your firsties or your company officer, never answer the question that you should not have been asked! In the rare but unfortunate case that you should be formally investigated, USE YOUR RIGHTS, that is why they are called “rights.” Say nothing, sign nothing, ask for a defense JAG lawyer which the Navy is required to provide you. Even if you identify as a straight Midshipman and have been falsely accused, there are free, professional legal services available to you such as SLDN that can provide expertise in this area. And under no circumstances can you ever be required to name others, no matter what you might be told.

    . . . Understand the Realities

    As Midshipmen, you live in a “fish bowl” that is nothing like what your peers in civilian schools experience. The closeness of quarters and your daily life at the Academy make it nearly impossible to not always be within someone's eye. It will be different after you graduate, move out of Bancroft Hall and enter the Fleet or Marine Corps.

    Most of us at USNA Out get a headache when we think about a Midshipman lying to cover yourself. Lying goes so much against the principles that we all learned as Midshipmen. We cannot recommend that you ever take that path. We feel that it is best to “deflect” any line of questioning that you ever receive, either informally or formally.

    We know many of you are getting “the question” from your curious friends. We wish we had a good “stock answer” on how to handle the situation, but we don't. There is no good answer on how to handle these often innocent questions. Our best recommendation is still to deflect the question.

    Per “Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell,” it is permissible to have lesbian and gay friends, it is even permissible to march in the local Gay Pride Parade (as long as you are not wearing or holding anything stating you're gay or a lesbian). However, even though such actions cannot be used to begin an investigation, they “call the question” and perhaps might start rumors about you or might be used for initiating an improper (not within the rules) investigation or be used as corroborating evidence. Although you should prevail in any investigation improperly started under the rules, any investigation would probably put you through mental and emotional torture throughout the lengthy process. Your performance would likely be impacted. Your life as a Midshipman is already stressful. The additional stress of living with rumors about you in Bancroft Hall, or worse yet undergoing a DADT investigation should just best be avoided.

    Be careful about over-consumption of alcohol. Although we don't have much evidence supporting that alcohol has played a big role in previous cases where Midshipmen have gotten themselves in trouble over their same-sex sexuality, we all know of way too many, too lucky close calls. Drinking is often against the rules for many of you as it is. And just because you might feel that breaking one rule (being gay) is justified, you certainly cannot justify breaking other rules because of this. Please be careful to not over indulge. This is a good rule always for all mids, however.

    You can visit The Decatur Club for more info on how to protect yourself from doing something foolish.

    The Big Downside

    If you have already signed your “Two for Seven” contract, there are other implications of which you need to be aware. Once you pass this milestone, you probably aren't going to get off “free” should you “tell” or have a formal investigation conclude that you engaged in homosexual conduct. Others who drop out or are forced out after “Two for Seven” get the option to serve off their commitment as an enlisted person in the fleet. But as an LGBT Midshipman, the fleet option is not a possible option. Hence, you risk getting the bill for your educational costs to date. This number was last set at $142,000 for the full four year payback.

    So your best friend or roomate just told you that he/she is gay/lesbian

    Yep, that was against the rules. But why did they do it? Probably not because they wanted you to turn them in, as they probably have that same desire to do well at USNA and to serve their country as do you. To start with, it was probably because they trust you. You might have been their best or only option to talk so someone about this. To have the courage to tell you, your friend was probably scarred more that you could imagine. Sharing with a peer for the first time and knowing that if it doesn't go right that you will lose everything that you worked so hard to achieve if given the boot can be terrifying.

    Why did your friend need to tell you this about themselves? Probably because your friend was suffering, we mean in a deep internal emotional distress. It often isn't fun or easy coming to the conclusion that you might be gay. And working out who you really are is the first huge hurdle in coming to grips with the fact that you aren't who you thought you were. Trust us, this isn't a fun thing to go through in life. What your friends needs is to know that they are still your friend. That you will accept them just as you did before they revealed themselves to you. They probably aren't looking for anything more than the reassurance that you think they are still the same person.

    “Telling” Your Parents

    With very few exceptions, we think it is a good idea to “come out” to your parents once you are sure of your sexual identity. You possibly think that you are this exception because you might come from a conservative or perhaps very religious family, or perhaps it is not the right time, but you probably are not the exception. When you hide a major portion of your life from your parents, you are building a wall between you and them which will distance you from them.

    Telling your parents is possibly not going to be easy for you. Just ask any of the other midshipmen or recent graduates how this went for them. Your parents might not like to hear what you say when you come out to them because it isn't what they expected. For most parents, it will take some time for them to begin to understand. But your parents will probably want to protect you just as any parent would. Your parents need to know that you will be ok and that you still have a career ahead of you. There are parental support organizations such as PFLAG which might help your parents in the coming out process.

    OK Mom & Dad, so you found this page, too

    This webpage is intended to be “The Gouge” for LGBT Midshipmen, but we also know that lurkers are going to be reading what is here. So Mom & Dad, we know why you probably are here. As parents of a midshipman, we know that you have an instinctual interest in your child's safety, security and success.

    If you are the parent of a straight Midshipman, don't worry, neither the Naval Academy nor the Navy is going to turn your child gay, unless of course, your child is already gay. For the vast majority, your child is going to be what he/she is, and no outside influence will be changing that. If you just found out that your son/daughter is gay/lesbian, and if you are like many parents, you might not understand what it means, and you might not be very happy to have heard the news. First of all, you need to know that your son/daughter is going to be OK. And though it might not have been what you wanted to hear from your child, we hope in the long term you will understand that keeping you in their life is a better alternative than than them building a wall and keeping you out of their lives. This is a sign that they trust you and/or that they need your support and love as a parent. Yes, "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is an obstacle to the successful career without worry from discrimination due to sexual identity, but we feel that the policy's days are numbered, and when things change, they will change for the better. If you are looking for more information to help you understand, PFLAG might be a good resource as a starting place.

    Dating as a Lesbian or Gay Midshipman

    Trust us, it is a really bad idea to date within Bancroft Hall. It will draw from your attention, energy and concentration which should be focused on doing your best as a Midshipman, academically and professionally. This probably sounds as though monks and nuns are writing this, but those of us before you have learned from our combined experiences that intra-Brigade dating is just a really, really bad idea, just as it is a bad idea to date within the command once you hit the fleet. Unfortunately, too many of you will probably learn this yourself the hard way. 'Nuff said about this.

    Midshipmen Membership in USNA Out

    USNA Out welcomes every new member. Membership is open to ALL alumni of the US Naval Academy, regardless of sexual orientation. A fair portion of our membership is straight alumni supporters. Hence, membership in USNA Out is NOT a statement of sexual identity. However, having been there in our past, we recognize some of the realities (see above). Our number one concern is YOUR safety and welfare.

    It is the current policy of USNA Out not to allow any current midshipmen to join our ranks. It has to do with "calling the question" as we talked about above, not to be exclusionary. You are still most welcome to contact any of our members here. Lesbian & Gay Midshipmen can also join the Service Academy Gay & Lesbian Network (SAGALA) which is not a part of USNA Out, although most of the LGBT USNA Out members also belong to SAGALA. The SAGALA mission is to provide a professional and social network for gay, lesbian, transgender and bisexual cadets, midshipmen and alumni who attended one of the five federal service academies.




    revision date: 10/30/2009. Please send your comments/questions regarding this page to page author